I lost my phone

at the park somewhere. im hoping a homeless guy calls chads phone and bribes me to pay him to get it back. better than it being lost forever.

:[

Im taking a pregnancy test..

tonight when chad gets home.

me and angelika and ashley went shopping all day. i got super cute short shorts, and some capris, and a really cute orange peacock feather shirt.

now were about to head to the skatepark.

im nervous about the test. like freaking out.

but whatever. it would be my luck to end up being pregnant. i have the worst luck ever.

but life is fun. im being carefree and happy. i just wish chad wouldnt be so emo, and enjoy me being here, even if it is just for a little while. he wants me to just jump right back in a relationship and i cant do that. im having a good time, nothing more.

if were meant to be, we will be together, and thats my logic on it.

i want to go to 6 flags so damn bad.

fuck the greyhound!

so after 12 hours, im finally in atlanta. and nothing is the same. i dont know. chad is crying non stop and begging me to forgive him, but i finally feel like.. i dont know.

its weird.

i dont know how to explain it.

i guess i will see how this week goes.

I leave tomorrow!

me and angelika are taking the grey hound!

its going to be fun!

either way, if me and chad dont work, i will still be having the time of my life. yessssssss.


i just have to go, i have to. i have to see if hes really changing. i need to see if we can work. i know all of you are going to talk shit, and get mad at me for going, and i completly get it. he broke my heart. but hes promising me a change, and if i dont go, how will i ever know if hes serious?!

i love him and i know he loves me. yea he fucked up, and i hate him for that, but im giving it one more shot.


:] besides, im superrrrrr stoked to get to spend a week with my girl!

Okay,

So, i thought i knew what i was doing. i thought i figured it all out. i thought i believed in love, and second chances. but fuck.... maybe its not worth it. maybe life shouldn't be this hard.

i always take the hard way. i have the easy way right in front of me.

i finally have my life back. i have my friends, family, and a place to live. i have a guy who likes me, and who has liked me for a while, and is super nice to me, but i always want something else.

i love chad with all my heart. i really wish i didn't. i wish i could stop. its sounds so easy, but its not.

he called and talked to my mom and dad yesterday for over an hour and tried to tell them hes changing for the better.

my dad and chads dad talked for an hour today.

i decided to leave, and to go back to chad. but then like an hour ago, chad called and told me the car broke down and they have to go get it fixed. is that a sign? should i tell him not to come?

i don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.

i wish someone would take me away. far away.

i leave tomorrow

for atlanta. probably the worst mistake of my life, but im going.


i hope things have changed.


i cant go through another heart break with him, or i will murder him. mark my words.

:] going to hang out with andrew and amy tonight though!

yeasssssssss

i love my friends

they seriously are the only thing keeping me from breaking down. every day i know im cared about. i dont need a guy to make me happy. sure i love chad, but if he loves me he will prove it to me.

he will find some way. hopefully he does, before im out of his life completly. thank you kaleigh, dawn, and amy. i love you guys.

and andrew, thank you for being the best guy ive ever known, you deserve more than me. much more.

this is why im confused

i have to be with you
i was so crazy sometimes because i never knew what real love really felt like
and now i do
and i realized that i need you
i always thought shit i done fucked up a million times maybe thats just what i do
but i ran across this

No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back.
-Turkish proverb

and im turning back around from the west coast janine
i love you i need you i cant live without you
please believe me that i wont do you wrong
i love you forever

i never realized what it was like to cry yourself to sleep every night until these past two days
please dont give up on me
i love you

FROM ANNA:

I know you probably don't want to hear this and I know people are telling you otherwise (and usually I wouldn't get into my friend's buisness) but chad really needs you.
We talked a little tonight and he told me what happened and that would be a reason to be mad at someone about but the man neeeeds you.
Here are just a little of the things he told me:


Dickin Yarmouth:
how do you go to sleep if all you can do is know you really just left the one person that ever made me feel undescribeable
and you just realized it

Dickin Yarmouth:
we were perfect together i just couldnt stop drinking enough to prove myself
and now im ready but i cant without her

Dickin Yarmouth:
anna i thought i was in love in high school with cameron, i thought i was in love with holly, but this is way more ive never felt completely empty inside ive never felt like hoping i dont wake up in the morning.

In all the years that I've known him he's never felt this strongly about someone. Sometimes people are worth another chance and he's definitely got his faults, but everyone does.
Even if you hate me for saying all this or don't want to talk to me or listen or anything I just had to tell you.
He's a great guy, you know this. Idk.


Just think about it?
I hate seeing my friends heartbroken especially when I know that it can be fixed.

sorry for butting in or whatnot, but I like you as well and I've never seen him happier than when he was with you doll.


-Anna.

AND ALL THE TEXTS AND CALLS. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK. IS HE TELLING HOLLY AND EMILY THESE THINGS TOO? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE. I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS WHAT HE REALLY FEELS. IM CONFUSED. BEYOND BELIEF.

so chads going to AA.

to get help. i hope he goes. not just for the sake of me and him, but for him and his daughter. he left clarksville the day before fathers day.

hes been calling me and texting me and telling me stuff ive never heard before. his friends messaged me and told me how much he needs me and that he made a mistake and realized it and wants me back. its not that easy or simple. he broke my heart. i finally felt like i found the one for me. never ever felt like that before. ever. i am completly hurt, and confused.

he told me and holly in the same day how much he loves both of us. that doesnt make sense. how do you do that to two girls that you already hurt? i now know what holly and emily went through with him. and im sorry.

he tells me things will change and he said the sweetest things ive ever heard, but how do i know its not bullshit. how? i need proof. i need him to stay in atlanta and stop drinking, and go to those classes and show me hes good before i could even consider being with him. which im not saying i am going to go back to him. im just confused and dont know what to do.

love sucks. i should have never came back from germany.

i will never do it again

He told me that everything can change. that he will come back. stop drinking, smoking, doing everything. and i don't want him to. i want him away from me. to stop feeding me bullshit.

he doesn't care about anyone but himself. how do you tell 3 girls in the same day that you care about them?

I'm dumb for having fucking sex with him. but of course he sweet talked me. I'm done. Fuck him.

as you all know

chad moved to arizona, now hes going to california. right after he asked me to be his girlfriend again. he promised me the world yesterday, and in the same day decided to move away and forget about me. great guy, huh?

well, im on a steady path to get over him. i dont deserve that. noone does. he broke my heart and i will never be the same. but i have to erase his memory. it hurts too bad.


last night, i found out great news. and im going to focus on that. thank you andrew for being so great to me. i needed you.

I have to choose between the nicest guy ive ever met, and the love of my life.

and i only have 3 hours to decide what I want. Its up to me, and im scared as fuck to make the wrong decision.


and:

chad came to dawns and since everyone was an asshole to him, he slept in the car. so i slept in the car with him just so he wouldnt be alone. we got up and got breakfast and talked. he asked me to be his girlfriend again. thats what i have to decide, whether its worth it or if i can be happier elsewhere.

HAPPY JANINE! :]

is what im going to be.

im done crying, im done being depressed. it got me no where at all.

joo sat me down and knocked some sense into me. im glad i have the friends i have.

tmrw, me and chad are going to have dinner at his grandparents. and after we will talk and try to see what is left between us.

but from here on out, i wont be sad. i will look towards the future, and only expect good things. and if bad things happen, they are lessons.



i will be happy, and i will be mature.

no more lurking, being upset, or letting other people get me down.

and if me and chad dont work out, i stilll have my amazing friends to help me back onto the right track.

im broken

hurt, scared, sad, angry, and confused.

he called me last night, told me he wanted me more than anything. but i cant. i dont know what to do. i want to move to germany. i hate fucking clarksville. i want to go back in time, and i wish i wouldnt have found out about the shit he did behind my back. i just want him. but how?





i hate chad but i love him with all my heart. i dont know what im doinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.

I want to be graceful!

I spilled a plate of food today at work in front of everyone. Hahah it was funny as fuck. no one was mad, they all told me that everyone drops plates and its no big deal.

still, it was awkward!

:) me and ashley just got done painting 4 amazing pictures.

blhahahahhahaha

I finally got my liqour license!

yessss. it cost me 35 bucks. but damnit, its worth it! i go in a 5 tonight, first night of actual work. im nervous as fuck. but it should be easy. im a smart girl, i will catch on.




vodka, and orange juice is what i asked chad to bring home for me! i cant wait to get off and party with my friends from clarksvilleee!

i gotta go study! i have a test to take over different alcohols, and the menu.

So, its been a couple of days.

and alot has happened. but i still dont have any time to write. I gotta go entertain guests. Cam and john are spending the night again. i have a good tan going right now. we went to six flags. barely any body in line on any of the rides. overall, im loving life.


:]

Lots of pictures!

Gforce!

my baby is finnnneeeeeee


yea, i know.

:]

awh!

cutest puppy award

yessyess

asshole puppy

laflajl;alag

CHAIN REACTION!!!

i loved chain reaction.
chad was spinning me

coolest fountain.

look at the lady in the purple getting down.

raising the roof

i love him!

this picture looks like everyone hates life.

caught off guard

Brittnye is so good at capturing good pictures.

my phone sucks, and im to lazy to just upload it to photobucket.

but i really like these ideas.

I want a tattoo, thats hidden.

i like the top one, its girly, and i really like the way it looks. i would want different colors.

i really like the idea, of it being over the entire bottom part of my stomache.

but i dont know about the dragon, but i do like it. the colors are really what makes me like it.

Okay, Im going to be honest.

Tonight was kinda crazy! It was really packed. I went in, talked to the first bouncer I seen, told him I was there to see Nick. Then they got this really nice bouncer to walk me around and show me the entire place. The kitchen, pool tables, bars, dance floor, patio, everything. He told me that I had nothing to worry about and that all the bouncers and cops make sure nothing ever happens to the girls working there. So, im cool. Then one of the girls (her name is Falyn, btw) that worked there came up to me and was like "Follow me, watch what I do!" and she started walking by all the guys and flirted and danced a lil and asked if they needed a drink, and I was walking with her, and all a sudden, this huge guy grabs my hand, and walks me to the dance floor, and i'm like "wtfff" but I walk, cause I dont want to be rude, and he starts to dance with me, and im dumb and like "uhhh I dont know how to dance" and tried to walk away, and he pulled me back and was like "dont worry I got you, just hold me" then I was like " I gotta go, I work here, i'm sopposed to be getting trained" So he was like "sorrry my bad," and walks me back to the place he grabbed me at. Hahahahahahha it was pretty awkward. But all in all, it was fun. I can see myself getting crunk. She was like, I know you said you have a bf, but its kinda mandatory to flirt a lil, and get the guys interested, so you can make tips.

So, my to do list is:

learn to dance.

learn to count back money with out a register

remember drinks

remember what the customers look like

dance

flirt

try to not be in the other workers ways

be super friendly

wear shoes that arent open toed

learn not to be scared

tell random guys that grab me, no.

and just have fun!

I start Monday! 4 to 10. I will be working the door.

I'm nervous, but excited. It wont be club like Monday. Its going to be like a regular restuarant and bar. He said Thursday and Saturday are the busiest days. Thursday is ladies night.

Oh me oh my, I hope I can handle this. Chad says I can. He's excited. He said he will be up there all the time to see me after he gets off work. I already asked Falyn if thats cool if he comes, and she said yes! It's going to be funny seeing how he reacts to guys grabbin on me and shit. haha poor chad.

Wish me luck!

A night I will Never forget.

The prettiest flowers I have ever seen. The prettiest ring Ive seen. The best cake I ever had. The best night I have ever had. Laser tag, bowling, fine dining, drinking, dancing, slow dancing to taylor swift! Donnie dedicated that song for me, and Chad asked me to dance. I got the cutest dress from Mr. Bobby. The sweetest card I have ever recieved from Chad. It was long, and romantic. I really am a very lucky girl to have people care about me like this. Everyone of my friends in Clarksville told me happy birthday. Even Chads closest friends called me at midnight and told me happy birthday. My grandma in germany, and Dawn and Ashely called and sung me happy birthday. I really had the BEST birthday ive, ever had.

She is the cutest puppy ever.

Today, I woke up to her biting a hole in the air mattress that me and chad sleep on. It was a really nice, expensive one. and one little bite, and im on the ground. asshole puppy. but shes so cute. I couldnt even be mad.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!

:] IM SO EXCITED!

i want to get my hair cut up to my shoulders. im not sure yet though.

I should not play poker, when im high.

I just didnt give a fuck last night. I went all in, on crappy cards just so i could go sit with chad. but im glad i did. we talked all night. about everything. about ryann, jobs, us, atlanta, just everything.

i think we understand eachother alot better now.

I get way to jealous of things i shouldnt be jealous of. i have so much trust in myself, i dont know why lately ive been letting other people get to me. i shouldnt. and i wont anymore. Chad moved to atlanta to be with me. He loves ME. its time for me to get that through my thick head.

I trust him. and love him.

parttttty!

This is what I get to play with all day, and cuddle with.

Shes the cutest puppy in the world.

oh, btw, i went to barnacles, and walked right in and got the job, the interview and eveything. i love being hot. hahahah just kidding, but i go in at 1 and stay til 3 in the morning. so, im partying in atlanta friday! lots of music and dancing for my job! i just go around all peppy and fun, and ask everyone if they want a drink! i love being around people! this is going to be fun.

friday! im ready for work!

Kaleigh, Dawn, And Amy.

I love you three girls so much.

Honestly,

I miss you guys so much.

but im so glad you guys are still standing by me.

It means the world to me that you didnt give up on me,

because I moved.

As soon as I can, I will be in Clarksville for a girls day.

and have alone days with all of you.

Kaleigh, you know our alone day will consist of eating nonstop all day long, and have food eating

competitions.

Dawn, we will go play badmitton! and have a picnic!

Amy, we will hang out all day and play with the dogs, and drive around and shop!

Im so excited!

My boyfriend is insane! hahah Its a real spider, btw.